I Underestimated My Kids

Around 6 pm in my house on any given night you will more than likely find me in the kitchen making dinner while shouting at my kids to stop hitting each other, to share their toys or to find another activity. You’ll see me put my head in my hands and force a few deep breaths as I push the dog off of the counter. You’ll hear my kids yelling, me yelling and my dog barking with My Little Pony playing in the background. You will feel the chaotic energy when you walk in.The scent of something delicious will hit your nose (or maybe the smell of veggie dogs). You will see messes building up all over the living room and bits of fluff from dog toys in every room of the house.

Sometimes in the throes of toddlerhood, I forget what I felt the first time I saw my children. The way I waited so patiently for them to arrive, the way I loved them before they were conceived. I forget the first time I held them and felt emotions that cannot be explained so simply… a mixture of joy, bliss, fear, worry, love and extreme tiredness. Well, I suppose I don’t forget the tired part.

I went to bed the other night after a long and stressful day thinking of how this is not what I want. I don’t want to think of my kids as just another obstacle to getting my chores done. I don’t want to feel angry every time they make messes, I don’t want to feel defeated every time they pee their beds. I don’t want to not enjoy my children anymore.

Does this mean the stress of it all has gone away? Not even close. They still pee their beds, scream at each other and this week I was made aware that my son doesn’t love me because I served him an apple. What has changed though, is the amount of time I spend focusing on the good instead of the bad.

I’ve learned that I under estimated my children. That in the midst of trying to get them to behave in a way I deem acceptable, I’ve missed out on seeing bits of their intelligence and glimpses of their true nature.

I’ve learned that my daughter loves vegetables even though I assumed she didn’t because her brother doesn’t. She doesn’t like to build with blocks, but loves to clang them together to make songs. She’s creative and artistic, loves making people laugh and smile. She isn’t afraid to be silly. She has a need to be the center of attention and won’t hesitate to get yours, whether in a good or bad way. She is a performer at heart.

My son on the other hand thinks like his father. An engineer in the making. He is extremely kind hearted and just as stubborn. I’ve learned that he has a way with words, using phrases like “quite interesting”, “as well”, and “I noticed”. Not bad for a 4 year old. Also that he loves books and has an eagerness to learn. I was reading and he asked me about my book, what is it about? Who wrote it? Can you read it aloud? He is somewhat of a perfectionist, getting frustrated when he cannot do things right (he’s vocal about it too) but isn’t afraid to ask for help.

Parenting is hard. Especially for someone who has had previous mental health issues. It is one of the most mentally taxing things you can do, raising or working with children. Kids can be pretty thankless which can be hurtful if you allow it.

The most important thing I’ve learned, is that my thanks does not come from my kids. My thanks comes from God in the form of learning the character, personality and potential of my children. I have the opportunity to nurture their passions and give them a chance that their dad and I never got. This, in its own right, is a gift.


Monthly Missions


This time of year is so lovely in the Pacific North West. I’ve been looking forward to it since surviving the sweltering summer we had. October was a rough month for me, spiritually and physically. Already I feel good about how November is beginning and can’t wait to share with you through posts.

Here is what I will be doing this month in my continuance of the path to self discovery.

1. 21 day meditation through the Chopra Center. It’s free and everyday there will be access to a free 20 minute meditation based on the energy of attraction. It starts November 3rd, so if you’d like to join in click here.

2. Daily Bible reading and devotion time in the New Testament. I kind of like to do my own thing with this. I just read what I feel like and if something speaks to me I’ll write it out or pray it out. I haven’t done this consistently in awhile so I look forward to seeing what comes out of it.

3. Workout more consistently. I have a gym membership as well as a For the Glow membership that I haven’t been using enough. The amount of stress I build up throughout the day is intense and I can tell the difference of how it affects me when I do not work out. Sweating is also a great way to detoxify after binging on Halloween candy…. just saying.

4. Eat pure foods and try some whole food recipes for Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving, it’s such a great way to connect with family. I’d like to focus on having a healthy holiday even if my family doesn’t eat my food! The more for me the better 😉

That’s all I’ve got! Here’s to a new month and to making the most of every moment!


Letting Go Of People

Who knew my week would include life altering change? I’ve been in a group of women through an online forum for about 3 years. We all have children the buddhasame age and went through pregnancy together. It is such a blessing to, as a woman, have other women you can lean on, bitch about husbands to and share the joys of motherhood with. However, with such a large group of strong women, comes strong disagreements. Over the years as we have gotten more comfortable with each other some of us have forgotten what it meant to be supportive and have chosen to be critical based on what they believe is right or wrong. Cliques developed in order to crush anyone in disagreement with certain opinions. Needless to say, many of us mentally disconnected even though some are going through the hardest times of our lives and really could use a strong support system.

How did we let it get to this point? As a good friend told me, women NEED to support each other. Not everyone’s situation is going to look perfect in my eyes but does that mean I should judge them? Should I think negatively of them based on their choices? In my opinion, hell no! Not about that life.

An argument ensued this week within our group, and I began to contemplate whether or not I wanted to remove myself. I knew that If I did, I wouldn’t be able to come back. I decided to turn to God to help me choose.

” So every single one of you who judge others is without any excuse. You condemn yourself when you judge another person because the one who is judging is doing the same things.” Romans 2:1

This scripture stuck out to me because the argument was based on the judgement of a fellow woman. I knew with all my heart that it was wrong, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it’s when women talk about other women negatively in my presence. It goes against everything I stand for.

Another reason I love this scripture is because I definitely have done things that I don’t stand for. I’ve talked about women behind their backs, and it took this situation to make me realize how wrong it is. We are all made uniquely, every one of us has imperfections and loving each other despite those is the point of all of this right? We are first and foremost meant to love.

At midnight I went to the computer and removed myself from the forum. It’s not worth the stress of wondering whether I’m offending someone, wondering if they like me or not, or if I can truly trust them. I know the women who are my real friends in the group will keep in touch with me and I can start over with healthy, empowering female relationships based on trust and acceptance. If you’re a women you know the struggle can be real! So I left, holding nothing against anyone and leaving only the best wishes for them all.

This morning I felt awesome! I still do. I don’t know if it has to do with the weight of it all being lifted off my shoulders, the meditation, or maybe a combination. I wanted to share a little part of my most wonderful morning with all of you.

morning playlist